My partner and I were still at the dinner table with my daughter and her husband. Their kids — 8 and 10 — had just hit our couch to play video games.
Her husband asked my daughter if screen time was OK.
I was impressed by how she answered: "I'm going to let you decide."
Just like that, she handed the mental load right back to him.
In most relationships, one person quietly makes most of the decisions. If you're good at managing things, you automatically take on the mental load of deciding.
What to do about dinner. When the dog should go to the vet. Whether to replace the car or wait another year.
You may not even realize it, but …
You put your relationship on the back burner until everything’s handled.
You can’t be present when you’re in management mode.
So you figure you’ll connect later, when you have the bandwidth.
Only you’re too tired to do anything but scroll, read, or sleep.
Because carrying the mental load is exhausting.
Turning some of it over to your partner is the best thing you can do for both of you.
So you can slow down your mind, feel your body, and open your senses.
See and hear what's important right now.
Remember what you love about your person.
A growth experiment
Think of something small you’ve been automatically managing.
Be honest with yourself about whether you can let go of controlling it. If not, think of something even more insignificant.
Then hand the decision back in the moment without explanation. Like my daughter did.
No need to announce it or have a conversation. “You decide” is a complete sentence.
Then notice what happens.
If you’ve been in this pattern for a while, your person might need encouragement. Something like, “Anything you pick is fine with me.”
When your person makes a choice, notice how you feel about it. If you winced a little on the inside, a growth edge for you is letting go of control.
Every decision you hand back lightens your mental load. So you can be more present with your person.
All my best,
Jenni
P.S. If your first reaction was "my partner just doesn't do their share", you might be right.
But it's worth asking yourself whether you've ever completely handed something over, without hovering, following up, or taking it back when it wasn't done your way. That's a different experiment.