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Last Saturday, I was at my desk while my partner put lights on our Christmas tree in the other room.

But the lovely quiet morning was suddenly interrupted by an explosion of swear words as a bang shook the wall.

I rushed in. He was crouched beside the tree, rubbing his head, white lights trailing from the branches. The paint was chipped where our sideboard had landed after he shoved it.

"I hit my head on that effing thing," he said, pointing at the table. "Doing the lights is really frustrating."

I could have sympathized because lighting a tree is a total pain for me, too. Instead, I was immediately angry because my story was that he was emotionally immature.

For two days, I was stuck in it.

Why your stories keep you stuck

The story I told myself was that grown ass adults don’t get so frustrated that they shove furniture. My anger felt righteous. I was frustrated about the work I was doing at my desk, but I wasn’t having a tantrum.

Every story we tell ourselves creates a feeling. When we believe the story, we get stuck in the feeling. The more we repeat the story, the more stuck we get.

Because stories keep you in your head. The more you explain why you're angry to yourself or someone else, the more disconnected you get from actually feeling your anger. It stays tucked away in your body while your head spins the tale.

My story about his emotional stuntedness played in my mind while I ticked off all the things on my weekend to-do list. But Monday morning, I recognized the sensation of anger congealing into resentment. It had been so familiar in my previous relationships, and I didn’t want it in this one.

So I decided to feel my anger.

This might sound strange to you because we’re told that we need to manage our emotions, not feel them.

But your body is telling you something. And amazing things can happen when you actually listen.

I sat down, closed my eyes, and concentrated on the physical sensations. The line of tension on the left side of my chest, extending up into my throat. I could feel my mind starting to wrestle with my body, wanting to tell the story. But I just kept coming back to what I was feeling.

After a few minutes, I started wondering what that episode had been like for him. How long had his frustration been building? Why didn’t he just stop with the lights?

My story crumbled as I became curious. My mind cleared, and I went to my partner and told him what was on my mind. I didn’t come at him from anger, but from connection. We had a rich, reconnecting conversation that wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t listen to my body.

How to stop reacting and start connecting

The next time you're stuck in a strong emotion, listen to the story. Then take a deep breath and ask yourself, where is it in my body instead?

Just notice where you feel it. Your chest? Your throat? Your stomach?

Stay there for 30 seconds. Focus on feeling, not explaining. As best you can, welcome the sensations by being curious about where they are and how they feel. Tight? Heavy? Buzzing?

Feel more. Believe fewer stories.

All my best,

Jenni

PS. This is just one example of what you can do to create the relationships you want. I want to support you on that journey.

Which is why I’m launching The Art of Connection in January. It’s an 8-week, 1:1 program where you’ll get the strategies and tools you need to create strong, authentic connections.

I’m only working with 3 people, and 6 have already registered their interest. Click here and I’ll send over the details.